so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
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I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
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That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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