When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
