Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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