I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm passing your future prison.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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