On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
