tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
