so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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