I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
