i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
