Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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