I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
