EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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