i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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