at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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