Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
