You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
We got so high we made milksteak
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
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APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
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I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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