his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
