Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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