just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
