I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
