My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
