if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
