I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
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Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
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Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
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