Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
