I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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