just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Randomize