yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
