Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
