Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
my being single is dangerous.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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