I look better un-naked...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
