the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
