there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
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3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
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Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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