He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
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Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
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my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Floor bacon is actually really good
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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