Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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