Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
