I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
