ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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