I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
