my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?