The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
