As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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