I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
