what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
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