it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
