Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
