I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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