I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
