He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
