My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
