We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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