I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
