i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
