Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
