she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
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I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
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He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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