The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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