Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Randomize
