Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
