I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
